How can it have been 8 months since our baby girl, Isla, went to heaven? There are still times that I deny the fact that I’ve lost a child. When people make comments like, “Oh one of each, now you’re done!” I resist thinking about how I should have one more girl in the stroller. I stop myself from thinking how I had three babies growing in my womb, but only two made it back home with us. I try to block out October 5th, the absolute worst day of my life, and brush over the grief because I am, in all honesty… happy. It’s a weird state to find myself in…how can I be happy when I lost a baby? The truth is, I have to choose to be happy each day. I consciously choose happiness over the depressed emotions that come up with each milestone our children hit. I smile instead of tear up when I get little signs that she is around. I make the effort to be a happy mom for Cameron and Quinn. Here are a few things I think of when I’m feeling down and need to switch my thinking.
Some might call it coincidence, others might believe in the signs, but I know that Isla listens and visits when I most need it. A cardinal here, OKAY LET ME INTERRUPT RIGHT NOW… I was literally typing this and looked out my window and the FIRST thing I saw was a red cardinal. I can’t make this stuff up I’m telling you, she is around.
As I was saying… A cardinal here 🙂 , a beautiful sunset there, a random sighting of her name in an odd spot. I think it all means that she hears me pray to her, she watches over Cameron and Quinn, and she’s waiting for us in Heaven.
Our Time Together on Earth
Isla and I had an amazing stretch of time together. I felt her all the time (she was transverse in my ribs sooo when she moved I felt it), I saw her on ultrasounds weekly, and she was my first baby I held. These are the only times that I can cherish with her and I do. She was safe in me, she was so loved, and I held her as she went to Heaven.
Our Time Together in Heaven
I know that when I go to Heaven I will not only be greeted by loved ones, but that I will have my baby girl put into my arms to love and take care of for eternity. Isn’t that a tragically beautiful thought? Isla is the most perfect baby in Heaven and when I arrive, I get to mother her, together, forever. I imagine her having this glow like clouds backlit from the sunrise, her eyes wide open and a smile on her face. We never saw her eyes because they were fused shut from prematurity, so what a glorious thought to have her bright eyed and placed in my arms when I cross over. It soothes my heart thinking of this day.
I still have times that I get overwhelmed, sad, angry and depressed. That is only natural, but to be the best mother to my surviving children I need to be able to embrace the good in life and learn to navigate the sorrow ❤
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”